It’s my Douglas Adams birthday today. I remember in years past I would do “birthday resolutions,” like some phrase would help me be my best self all year. I’m really glad I know now that what helps me be my best self is therapy, medication, and gym endorphins.
So no catchphrase for the year ahead, just grateful I found what works, grateful that my loved ones have made it through nearly two years of pandemic, grateful for the relationships I’ve worked hard for–and grateful for another year.
It’s Doc’s birthday today! Look at this man that I was lucky enough to meet and even luckier to get to spend nearly 8 years learning about and loving:
He is the safest person I know, and I’m not the only one who feels that way: coworkers confide in him, his niece and nephew ask his advice about things they wouldn’t ask their parents, friends count on him checking in. He’s an ally to anyone on the outside and he will call people out when he sees them being shitty to someone vulnerable.
He’s taught me so much about being open and actually communicating in a relationship. (I mean, I’m still learning, but he’s willing to let me learn.) He has great taste in fabric, wears clothes so well, and has the slyest, quickest sense of humor I’ve ever encountered. I just feel lucky every day that I get to spend time with him. Happy birthday, honey! I love you.
It’s my sister-in-law’s birthday Sunday! She is so steady and just does the right thing without talking about it, so I wanted to talk about it instead.
She takes mentoring seriously at her job–I think (like me) she just didn’t have any senior woman to help her out when she was starting her career, so now that she’s the senior woman, she makes time to talk to groups and help her direct report. She’s done such a good job building relationships that her direct report joined us for Thanksgiving, and it was really nice to see the easy trust between them.
After Trump was elected, she got involved at the local level with government, volunteering to be on a sustainability board for her city. She’s going to grad school (again!) and her project is about using automation to help reduce water usage. She’s cut out single-use plastic at home. She treats all of these commitments–big and little–as just how things are. No big deal.
I can get so wound up about the state of the world that I feel paralyzed to do anything, but she sees something to change and quietly digs in. I love that Skyler has that example and I love her and her willingness to do the hard, right things. Happy birthday, Altair!
My big brother is 45 today! (But you wouldn’t know it to look at him–he got our dad’s “don’t show your age” genes [I did not].)
I’m so proud of him for holding it together for the pandemic and homeschooling Skyler for a full year. I didn’t realize what a toll that was taking until Skyler started school this year, and the difference in both my brother’s and my nephew’s happiness is obvious. Alan made a hard choice to keep his kid safe; he committed to it; and he did it well, even though every day must have been a struggle.
That kind of sums him up: He commits to something and he does it no matter what, whether that’s being married or feeding his family or helping his neighbors. He’s so generous with his time and good at so many things–a true polymath with an engineer’s brain.
I know Mom would be proud of him and how he’s handled a hard few years, and we are too. Happy birthday, Alan! I love you.
My dad is turning 74 over the weekend so he gets a birthday post today. These kind of just bubble up on the morning of the post, so today I’m thinking about what he’s facing and how brave he is.
He’s been on his own for 2.5 years now, after two-thirds of a life spent with my mom. At times, I’m pretty sure he’s getting by on sheer stubbornness because giving up wouldn’t be “the cowboy way,” but he’s so brave. Every day must be hard; every day he just…does what needs to be done.
He’s facing a potential eye surgery right now and has been going to appointments and trying to make the decision without having that partner to talk things through with. It sounds unthinkably hard to try to do that alone.
So I guess I want to use this quasi-public forum to remind my dad that he’s not alone, that he has a support group–one he made, literally. Family can’t replace the partnership of a spouse, but we can help you with the things that take two people. We can’t cure your loneliness, but we’re here for you and we love you.
My nephew is TEN today!
He is such a delight to know–sensitive, determined, curious, and so, so smart. (Seriously, smarter than the adults sometimes.) He loves model trains and chess and Legos and he and I have all sorts of fun with feats of strength on the playground.
I can’t imagine our family without him. I know my mom was so thrilled to to finally be a grandma; my dad has spent the last ten years thinking of ways to be literally the best grandpa ever. Skyler has made my brother and sister-in-law have become parents, with the patience and perseverance and love that that entails. And me? I get to be his auntie, with the video games and the attitude of, “Sure, why not get in the stream?” which is pretty much the best.
Every time we hang out, I learn something new and every time I look at him, seeing the baby mixed in with the pre-teen now (!), I’m struck all over again by how amazing it is that he exists.
Happy birthday, Bubbs. I love you so much!
It’s my love’s 50th birthday today. Whenever I talk about him, it’s easy to make it all about me. He did, after all change my life–not just for being such a good partner, but for giving me the push I needed to get into therapy and onto medication. If he did nothing else ever, I’d be forever grateful.
But he does so much else, every day. He’s constantly checking in with his friends, our friends, work friends, family (including mine). He loves to learn things–anything, from history to how things are made to what actor made a cameo in that series. For him, I think it’s a way to connect even more with other people and appreciate how smart humans can be.
He is the fairest person I know, but he won’t tolerate cruelty. He holds himself to the highest standards of all, which can be tricky (I speak from experience) but he gives the people he cares about so much benefit of the doubt.
He’s the wokest bae, classically handsome, the literal strong and tall man of my dreams. Happy birthday, honey. I love you.
It’s my sister-in-law’s birthday today! Altair has been married to my brother for 18 years now (!). She brings such an antidote to the anxiety-fueled cynicism my family can have: She cares deeply. She loves openly. She knows feelings aren’t facts. And she’s an inherent optimist.
She’s passionate about her work and she values being a mentor to other women, which is something I don’t think she had in her early career. She recently got promoted and I had a chance to see the deck she used for her interview. It was classic Altair: funny, capable, and totally sincere.
She’s raising her boy to share her values and, while I don’t think he missed out on all of the genetic anxiety, it makes me so proud and happy to hear him say, “I love you” so much and to generally see the best in all things–just like his mom.
Happy birthday, Altair, and thank you.
Somehow in the last decades of living on my own I shifted from thinking about my brother as my sibling to thinking about him as a person. But lately I’ve been going back to thinking of him as my brother, remembering that we have that shared experience, the feeling of being on a team (Team Let’s Pretend, Team Stay Up Late, Team Don’t Tell Mom & Dad).
He and I have the same memories. Yes, from when we were kids, but also from being teens, watching MTV, figuring out the world, even Mom’s illness. That feeling of having someone who knows your history like that that is so reassuring. That’s what a sibling gives you, and that solidity is something I’ve taken for granted.
My brother is someone who will fight like hell for his family. He’s the person I’d call if I needed to get rid of a body or rig up a camp to survive the apocalypse. He is incredibly smart, sensitive, caring, and open and he’s been a good friend and good brother to me my whole life–even when I didn’t admit it.
Therapy has taught me that relationships and feelings take work, but that the work is worth it. I’m grateful I can work on myself and strengthen my oldest friendship: the one with my brother. Happy birthday, Alan. I love you.
There’s a special rare Saturday post today because it’s my dad’s birthday!
He’s always been the embodiment of “tough”–worked outside, worked hard, could climb a telephone pole, once fell off a telephone pole and broke a kneecap yet kept working–but in the last couple years, in Mom’s illness and death, he’s been more than tough: He’s been brave.
Tough is working hard to support your loved ones; brave is watching your loved one die while showing up for her every step of the way. Tough is ignoring pain; brave is living with pain every day and still making a life for yourself. Brave is figuring out new routines, new meals, new hobbies. My dad is so brave.
He’s always shown us what it means to be strong and live according to “The Cowboy Way,” but seeing his bravery, his patience, and his endurance in the face of everything has been inspiring. Thanks for setting such.an example for us, Dad. I love you.