birthdays

My big brother is 45 today! (But you wouldn’t know it to look at him–he got our dad’s “don’t show your age” genes [I did not].)

I’m so proud of him for holding it together for the pandemic and homeschooling Skyler for a full year. I didn’t realize what a toll that was taking until Skyler started school this year, and the difference in both my brother’s and my nephew’s happiness is obvious. Alan made a hard choice to keep his kid safe; he committed to it; and he did it well, even though every day must have been a struggle.

That kind of sums him up: He commits to something and he does it no matter what, whether that’s being married or feeding his family or helping his neighbors. He’s so generous with his time and good at so many things–a true polymath with an engineer’s brain.

I know Mom would be proud of him and how he’s handled a hard few years, and we are too. Happy birthday, Alan! I love you.

My dad is turning 74 over the weekend so he gets a birthday post today. These kind of just bubble up on the morning of the post, so today I’m thinking about what he’s facing and how brave he is.

He’s been on his own for 2.5 years now, after two-thirds of a life spent with my mom. At times, I’m pretty sure he’s getting by on sheer stubbornness because giving up wouldn’t be “the cowboy way,” but he’s so brave. Every day must be hard; every day he just…does what needs to be done.

He’s facing a potential eye surgery right now and has been going to appointments and trying to make the decision without having that partner to talk things through with. It sounds unthinkably hard to try to do that alone.

So I guess I want to use this quasi-public forum to remind my dad that he’s not alone, that he has a support group–one he made, literally. Family can’t replace the partnership of a spouse, but we can help you with the things that take two people. We can’t cure your loneliness, but we’re here for you and we love you.

My nephew is TEN today!

He is such a delight to know–sensitive, determined, curious, and so, so smart. (Seriously, smarter than the adults sometimes.) He loves model trains and chess and Legos and he and I have all sorts of fun with feats of strength on the playground.

I can’t imagine our family without him. I know my mom was so thrilled to to finally be a grandma; my dad has spent the last ten years thinking of ways to be literally the best grandpa ever. Skyler has made my brother and sister-in-law have become parents, with the patience and perseverance and love that that entails.  And me? I get to be his auntie, with the video games and the attitude of, “Sure, why not get in the stream?” which is pretty much the best.

Every time we hang out, I learn something new and every time I look at him, seeing the baby mixed in with the pre-teen now (!),  I’m struck all over again by how amazing it is that he exists.

Happy birthday, Bubbs. I love you so much!

It’s my sister-in-law’s birthday today! Altair has been married to my brother for 18 years now (!). She brings such an antidote to the anxiety-fueled cynicism my family can have: She cares deeply. She loves openly. She knows feelings aren’t facts. And she’s an inherent optimist.

She’s passionate about her work and she values being a mentor to other women, which is something I don’t think she had in her early career. She recently got promoted and I had a chance to see the deck she used for her interview. It was classic Altair: funny, capable, and totally sincere.

She’s raising her boy to share her values and, while I don’t think he missed out on all of the genetic anxiety, it makes me so proud and happy to hear him say, “I love you” so much and to generally see the best in all things–just like his mom.

Happy birthday, Altair, and thank you.

Somehow in the last decades of living on my own I shifted from thinking about my brother as my sibling to thinking about him as a person. But lately I’ve been going back to thinking of him as my brother, remembering that we have that shared experience, the feeling of being on a team (Team Let’s Pretend, Team Stay Up Late, Team Don’t Tell Mom & Dad).

He and I have the same memories. Yes, from when we were kids, but also from being teens, watching MTV, figuring out the world, even Mom’s illness. That feeling of having someone who knows your history like that that is so reassuring. That’s what a sibling gives you, and that solidity is something I’ve taken for granted.

My brother is someone who will fight like hell for his family. He’s the person I’d call if I needed to get rid of a body or rig up a camp to survive the apocalypse. He is incredibly smart, sensitive, caring, and open and he’s been a good friend and good brother to me my whole life–even when I didn’t admit it.

Therapy has taught me that relationships and feelings take work, but that the work is worth it. I’m grateful I can work on myself and strengthen my oldest friendship: the one with my brother. Happy birthday, Alan. I love you.

There’s a special rare Saturday post today because it’s my dad’s birthday!

He’s always been the embodiment of “tough”–worked outside, worked hard, could climb a telephone pole, once fell off a telephone pole and broke a kneecap yet kept working–but in the last couple years, in Mom’s illness and death, he’s been more than tough: He’s been brave.

Tough is working hard to support your loved ones; brave is watching your loved one die while showing up for her every step of the way. Tough is ignoring pain; brave is living with pain every day and still making a life for yourself. Brave is figuring out new routines, new meals, new hobbies. My dad is so brave.

He’s always shown us what it means to be strong and live according to “The Cowboy Way,” but seeing his bravery, his patience, and his endurance in the face of everything has been inspiring. Thanks for setting such.an example for us, Dad. I love you.

Today’s my birthday! After 38, when my mom went through chemo and failed surgery, and 39, when we lost her and tried to just keep it together all year, reaching 40 feels like a miracle and absolutely nothing to fear.

Sure, I’m rapidly going gray, but after the last two years it makes sense. I’m still going to the gym and to therapy, I’m still trying to show up and be brave and use my words–and that’s all I’m going to try to keep doing for the year. I was talking to my friend last night about everything else I wanted to do in 2020 and she said, wisely and kindly, “I thought of the first year of my 40s as the warmup.”

So for 2020, my single goal is: “Use my words.”  Tell people I love them. Really listen to others. Speak up when something isn’t OK. Talk about my feelings, even though that’s still pretty terrifying.

As I enter another decade, I know objectively that I can do hard things. So I’ll keep doing them, and enjoy being alive and sharing it all with my loved ones.

It’s the birthday of the man I’ve gotten to spend nearly six years with.

I always used to roll my eyes when part of a couple would introduce the other part as “my better half” but with Doc, I get it: “better half” doesn’t just mean that he’s a good person; it means he’s a good person that you literally can’t imagine going through life without.

He’s the person I wish I could be–more patient, more willing to listen, less likely to judge. He is a man of hidden talents–he can drive a steel trailer and hit a target with a gun. And he’s always so damn quick and funny–it’s what I noticed about him first.

Every day I’m glad I met him and wonder how I got so lucky. Happy birthday, honey. I love you.

It’s my sister-in-law’s birthday today!

The word that came into my head first when I was thinking of this post was “capable.” She doesn’t make a big deal of it, but she can just DO most things–invest money, make quilts, grow food, bake bread, run races. I’ve often thought that she’d be a good pioneer, or someone you’d want around in an apocalypse.

Not only that, but she’s GOOD at what she does. I admire her most for how she’s raising her son to be such a well-rounded, rational human. She’s teaching him how to sew and bake. She’s setting an example by volunteering with the city government. She gives back by mentoring younger women. He sees her go to work every day and proudly tells everyone, “She builds rockets!”

In spite of all the things she’s doing for her job and her family, she makes time to be a good friend and a good daughter. When she talks to you, she gives you all of her attention–I hadn’t realized how rare that is until I noticed it. When someone as accomplished as she is wants to really listen to what’s going on in your life, it feels pretty great.

Happy birthday, Altair! Thanks for marrying my brother.