Grief

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My mom would be 73 today. I took the day off. I’m going to fertilize and trim my houseplants and think about her (she loved to fertilize and prune).

I don’t have many words of my own today, but I’ve been sitting on a Cheryl Strayed newsletter–a reprint of an old Sear Sugar column–for a few weeks now. Every single one of  her newsletters destroy me but this one particularly, about living with loss and making a home in grief, didn’t leave a thing standing. It’s beautiful, though. If you have lost a loved one, read it. And know that I’m thinking about you.

 

Thirty years gone and my mother is always with me. Thirty years gone and I still ache for her every day. Thirty years gone and my sorrow has sweetened into gratitude. How lucky I am to have been her daughter. To still be. To feel her shimmering in my bones with every step. […]

It’s your life. The one you must make in the obliterated place that’s now your world, where everything you used to be is simultaneously erased and omnipresent […] It is impossible for you to go on as you were before, so you must go on as you never have.

You go on by doing the best you can. You go on by being generous. You go on by being true. You go on by offering comfort to others who can’t go on. You go on by allowing the unbearable days to pass and allowing the pleasure in other days. You go on by finding a channel for your love and another for your rage.

The kindest and most meaningful thing anyone ever says to me is: your mother would be proud of you. Finding a way in my grief to become the woman who my mother raised me to be is the most important way I have honored my mother.

Tuesday Project Roundup: Splashing Doc’s Underwear All Over The Internet

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Doc got some new Walbrook Boxer Briefs to replace the last of his RTW pairs and now we’re an “all homemade underwear” family. Which is a thing I just made up.

Please enjoy looking at his undies:

Both fabrics are cotton/Lycra from The Fabric Fairy and I used the cover stitch machine liberally. I didn’t get the stripes lined up very well at the front of the burgundy pair so I added some reverse stitching to help it look more intentional:

These are fast and only take a half yard of fabric and Doc says they’re comfortable. Handmade underwear for everyone!

Today’s The Day

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I get my first vaccine shot today and the thought of a near future where I can hug my family and shed the mental load of the last year is just…really great.

More importantly, I have something to wear to this event outside the house–I finished the quilt coat!

I was careful with the binding on the inside so it’s also REVERSIBLE:

I’ll get some “modeled” photos in the next couple of weeks but I didn’t want to keep anyone in suspense (lol). I think this wearable blanket will be a good way to ease back into the vaccinated world.

Friday Links

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1. I’ve discovered Virginia Sole-Smith’s columns about fatphobia and diet culture and kids and have been learning a lot. I’ve never struggled with my weight and I started lifting to get stronger, not smaller, but…no one is immune to fatphobia or the pressure to look a certain way, no matter who (or how old) you are. She linked to this article about posting online about “losing the pandemic weight” and it’s just really eye opening and helpful.

2. So true, from the caption of this Kat Vellos post: “How are you?” can be a hard question to answer when a multitude of positive, exciting, hopeful AND scary, sad, disappointing things are *all* happening AT THE SAME TIME.

3. About to head into the weekend like this:

Lizard-Brain Fashion

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I’ve been thinking about what a post-vaccine world will look like for me–and by that, I mean I’m thinking about what to wear. I have no desire to be back in the office 5 days a week, but 3 days a week? Just think of the outfits!

But WHAT outfits? This tweet kind of summed it up:

Even before the pandemic, I would look at an outfit and think, “It’s a little much for my team/Target/a Tuesday” but once I’m back out in the world, no more of that! I recently found Frisky Gatos on Instagram and Reddit and her concept of “listen to ur lizard” is the best way to find your “personal style” going:

Stop trying to research and analyze oneself into style and instead just listen to YOURSELF – your most primitive brain – WHAT DOES IT WANT?

I’ve always liked what I’ve sewn and feel cool wearing it, but once I’m back out in the world, I’m not gonna tone it down anymore and put a sober blazer on top of one wild print. My lizard brain wants to wear ALL the prints and ALL the colors together and I’m just going to remind my more advanced brain parts of this:

I was embarrassed what people would think of me if I wore [what I really loved]. I’ve come to realize how flawed this thought process is because it assumes that anyone cares about me and what I am wearing. Let’s be honest: no one thinks about me as much as I think about myself and everyone else is thinking about themselves all the time anyway, so who cares?

Give it a read, click to the links for examples, and listen to ur lizard!

(image from Frisky Gatos’ reddit post linked above)

Still Quilting

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Maybe eight hours later, I’d say I have 90% of the quilting done for my extremely labor intensive quilt coat. No, I’m still not to the point of actually sewing it up, but I got it in my head that I’d like to wear it to my first VACCINE APPOINTMENT this coming Monday. (I don’t know why, since I will have to take it off to actually get a shot, but it seems appropriate that I started this pandemic with a labor-intensive jacket and am ending it with the same.)

Will I get it done?  I don’t know! I have the fabric for the binding all picked out though, and the sewing should go pretty fast. Stay tuned.

Extremely Spring

By in nature

Doc and I went to the arboretum that Mom liked so much to try to start a new tradition (holidays are so hard since she died and this holiday in particular always feels so empty). It was unseasonably warm and surprisingly uncrowded and just a nice balm for a hard day.

Friday Links

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1. Very wholesome: Rep. Katie Porter interviews her mom, who made the quilts hanging in Katie’s offices. (Liz Porter is a Famous Quilter–founder of Fons & Porter!)

2. I started subscribing to Helena Fitzgerald’s essays and the latest, about Martinelli’s sparkling cider, Easter, and the coming end of the pandemic, is wonderful:

I have celebrated seeing friends in person even on the street at distance, shrieking over the fact of them standing there in all their ordinariness like some grand miracle, like they had rolled away the stone and risen from the tomb, walking out into the light.

 

3. Speaking of Easter, it’s time for the annual Bach St. Matthew Passion performance. The Netherlands Bach Society has one that’s almost like being there in person. (Remember live performances?)

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