J. Crew, I know we’ve drifted apart since our very public breakup a few years ago. Sure, I’ve checked in sometimes, to see what you’re up to–and to see if you have any cashmere cardigans in good colors (oh, the cardigans, J.Crew, the cardigans seem to last forever…). But lately, I’ve been worried about you. It’s more than just the prose style–I guess I could get used to that–but I feel like I hardly know you any more. For example, look at what you offered in Fall ’07:

You were in Paris! Your models were happy! They coordinated! They brushed their hair! What happened in three years?

Now you’re hanging around with a suit-clad Jesus and wearing Hammer sweatpants? With an Army hat? This…this isn’t the J. Crew I used to know. God knows I’ve matured and evolved in three years, but I haven’t abandoned everything I value, like colored peacoats and bright pretty flats.

I don’t know what’s going on in your life but I am worried about you, J. Crew. I mean, you used to offer real pants:

And now there’s this:

Those are…not pants. I’m so worried. Get help, J. Crew.