J. Crew, I know we’ve drifted apart since our very public breakup a few years ago. Sure, I’ve checked in sometimes, to see what you’re up to–and to see if you have any cashmere cardigans in good colors (oh, the cardigans, J.Crew, the cardigans seem to last forever…). But lately, I’ve been worried about you. It’s more than just the prose style–I guess I could get used to that–but I feel like I hardly know you any more. For example, look at what you offered in Fall ’07:
You were in Paris! Your models were happy! They coordinated! They brushed their hair! What happened in three years?
Now you’re hanging around with a suit-clad Jesus and wearing Hammer sweatpants? With an Army hat? This…this isn’t the J. Crew I used to know. I know I’ve matured and evolved in three years, but I haven’t abandoned everything I value, like colored peacoats and bright pretty flats.
I don’t know what’s going on in your life but I am worried about you, J. Crew. I mean, you used to offer real pants:
And now there’s this:
Those are…not pants. I’m so worried. Get help, J. Crew.
Oh, J. Crew. I KNEW there were drugs involved! I was just too afraid to say it. Think of everyone who still cares about you! Think of “The Umbrellas of Cherbourg”!
Times change, baby. There is no more fickle a mistress than fashion. Plus the four and five day coke binges that were spurred by our breakup made me realize I needed to tap into an edgier market.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still very proud of the European-flavored collections that first brought us together. I just have to say no one rocked the argyle v-neck quite the way you did, Karen- that image is forever burned into my spank bank. But the trends have gone towards a trashier, almost grunge look. Less Stockholm and more Seattle. Consequently I’m not the same happy-go-lucky brand I once was. I had to become more like my rivals. I got a little dirty and found I liked it. I haven’t yet stooped to the level of, say, American Apparel, but make no mistake- I will if that’s where the $$$ is.
Karen, please don’t worry about me. I’m doing alright. I’ve tasted the good life with the blow and the bling. I got a kilo in the safe and a 9mm in the desk drawer. There’s a brand new Maybach rolling on 21s in the driveway. My boy Pharrell is coming over later and we’ll hit the clubz tonight. And I don’t think I’d have any of this if it wasn’t for our breakup. It was tough for a while but there’s no looking back for me. I got big plans and I ain’t gonna let nothin stand in my way.
It’s bad enough when one outgrows the things they used to love, but it is much worse to have those things digress. You stick it to J. Crew, Better Living, you stick it good!
This is why I like you.