I ended up at the Red Butte plant sale as a pair of hands for my friend–but then I saw the houseplant/tropical section and WUT. The visitors center at the garden has these Christmas-cactus-on-steroids looking plants blooming indoors so when I saw some for sale, I bought one. Turns out they’re in the Epiphyllum family, also known as “orchid cactus.” From what I’ve read, I think if I treat it more like an orchid than a cactus, it’ll do great.
I had to buckle it into the backseat to get it home:
In a planter for now (we’ll see how it does with the the light in the living room):